Quickies part 2

Phil Perry

Well-Known Member
How others see us and use English.​
Wonderful English from Around the World ..​
In a Bangkok Temple:​
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.​
Cocktail Lounge, Norway:​
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.​
Doctor's Office, Rome:​
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.​
Dry Cleaners, Bangkok:​
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.​
A Nairobi Restaurant:​
CUSTOMERS, WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE, OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.​


On the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi:​
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.​
On a poster at Kencom:​
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.​
In a City restaurant:​
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.​
In a Cemetery:​
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS, FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.​
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:​
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE, OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS, IN BED.​
On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant:​
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.​
In a Tokyo Bar:​
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.​
Hotel, Yugoslavia:​
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.​
Hotel, Japan:​
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.​
In the lobby of a Moscow Hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery:​
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY, WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY, EXCEPT THURSDAY.​
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:​
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE, THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT, UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.​
Hotel, Zurich:​
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.​
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:​
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?​
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:​
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.​
A Laundry in Rome:​
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND THEN SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.​
And finally, the all-time classic, Seen in an Abu Dhabi Souk shop window:​
IF THE FRONT IS CLOSED, PLEASE ENTER MY BACKSIDE​
Thank you Peter,. . . duly Nicked. . . . .

Regards,.. . . Phat Phil. . . .
 

red750

Well-Known Member
The value of a good vocabulary
I called an old University friend and asked what he was doing.
He replied that he was working on: "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminum and steel under a 'constrained' environment."
I was impressed!!!..
However, upon further inquiry, I learned that he was; 'washing dishes,.. with hot water,.. under his wife's supervision'.
 

Phil Perry

Well-Known Member
Right that's it, bedtime! Busy day tomorrow.

My young son is being referred to a child psychologist.

We’d rather he saw an adult, but they’re so expensive.
 

red750

Well-Known Member
A new toy has hit the shelves - a talking female Muslem doll. No-one knows what she says - they're not game to pull the string.
 

red750

Well-Known Member
A bit longer than a quicky, but it's a goody.

Should I Really Join Facebook? (Priceless)
Read it all the way through! It's a good laugh! AND really quite true!!


When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, my 13 grand kids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship...
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions, checking bathrooms, and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do fart a lot."

P.S. I know some of you are not over 70. I sent it to you to allow you to forward it to those who are....... I figured your sense of humour could handle it...If not... find a sense of humour.... We all need to have one of these !!!.
We senior citizens don't need any more gadgets. The TV remote and the garage door remote are about all we can handle. EH!
 

spacesailor

Well-Known Member
? Garage door remote, TV remote,
I thought you were MARRIED.
Open the garage honey !
Turn on the footy honey !.
I must have a good one !.
Put my socks & shoes on me, honey, I can't get down that far to touch my shoes, never mind touching your toes. LoL
spacesailor
 

Phil Perry

Well-Known Member
I went into the library last week and asked the librarian if there are any books on paranoia.

She looked at me, leant forward and whispered...

"They're right behind you."
 

Phil Perry

Well-Known Member
Breaking News flash from France.

A large cheese warehouse to the south of Paris has experienced a massive explosion.

Police say it is not terror related but that there is de Brie everywhere.
 

Phil Perry

Well-Known Member
The guy who invented the USB connector died...

They lowered the coffin into his grave.

Then they lifted it back out, turned it round, and lowered it back in again.
 
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