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Quickies part 2

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Q. What do IKEA and Barnaby Joyce have in common?

 

A. One screw in the wrong place and the whole cabinet falls apart.

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IRISH COMPASSION

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.

 

Three women, from England, Scotland and Ireland, were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

 

The English woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?' The man said 'No' so she gave him a hug and walked on.

 

The Scottish woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?' The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

 

The Irish woman came to him and said, 'ave ya ever been fooked lad?'

 

The man broke into a big smile and said, no.

 

She said, 'Aye - Ya will be when the tide comes in.

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HISTORICAL FACT:

 

 

 

Who says building a border wall won't work?

 

 

 

The Chinese built one over 2,000 years ago and they still don't have any Mexicans.

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"M" word....by comedian Jeff Foxworthy

Have you ever wondered why it's OK to make jokes about Catholics, Jews, Christians, the Pope, the Irish, the Italians, the Polish, the Hungarians, the Chinese, the French (including French Canadians), the elderly, bad golfers, men/women, blacks/whites, etc, but its insensitive to make jokes about the Muslims?

 

Well, it's time to level the playing field and be politically incorrect, by including our friends, the Muslims,

on this grandiose list.

So Jeff Foxworthy did his part to include the Muslims on his list ..

 

1. If you grow and refine heroin for a living, but morally object to the use of liquor, you may be a Muslim.

 

2. If you own a $3,000 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but can't afford shoes, You may be a Muslim.

 

3. If you have more wives than teeth, You may be a Muslim.

 

4. If you wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon to be unclean, You may be a Muslim.

 

5. If you think vests come in two styles, Bullet-proof and suicide, You may be a Muslim.

 

6. If you can't think of anyone that you haven't declared jihad against, You may be a Muslim.

 

7. If you consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing, You may be a Muslim.

 

8. If you were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses, other than setting off roadside bombs, You may be a Muslim.

 

9. If you have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four, then you, too, may be a Muslim.

 

10. If you find this offensive and do not forward it, you are part of the problem … but if you delete this, you are most likely a Muslim.

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As seen on Gumtree

 

 

 

[ATTACH=full]3246[/ATTACH]

If I was going to make a musical instrument I put my lips on, it wouldn't be out of treated pine.

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Optometry jokes just keep getting cornea and cornea.

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Optometry jokes just keep getting cornea and cornea.

Eye can't argue with that.

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An elderly lady with a walking stick was walking down the road, singing "Twenty one today, twenty one today."

She passed a young fellow who said, "You're more than twenty one, you old bat!"

The elderly lady swung around with her walking stick and hit him fair over the head. Then she continued on singing "Twenty two today, twenty two today."

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Last year, I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind.

 

Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them.

 

He complained that he had completed the work a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

 

Hellooooo!! Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.

 

So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year.

 

That these windows would pay for themselves in a year.

 

Hellooooo!! It's been over a year, so I told him they're paid for.

 

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up.

 

He never called back.

 

I bet he felt like an idiot !

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IF you feel like an idiot. it's not a difficult thing to find one. I was asked to actually PAY for some FREE Range eggs.. False advertising.. Nev

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I dialled 999 the other day and said, "Two girls are fighting over me."

 

"OK," she paused. "Well what's the problem?"

 

"The fat one's winning."

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Did you hear about the guy who ate a dictionary for breakfast?

 

He had thesaurus throat.

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