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Quickies part 2

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I'm currently dating 2 anorexic girls.

 

Two birds, . . .

 

One stone.

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If this doesn't make you laugh, you are truly humour impaired!

 

The Royal Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

 

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of His head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000...

 

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with £96,000.

 

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief Stoker who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my penis to my testicles.'

 

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two Officers had received. But old the Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measure was taken by a Medical Officer.

 

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to drop 'em,' which He did.

 

The Medical Officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's penis and began to work back. Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where Are your testicles?'

 

The Old Chief calmly replied, ' The Falkland Islands ' .

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Chief petty officer also did the same.

Penis to testicles......

 

They measured all the way to Surrey.

 

His ex wife's bedroom dresser.

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Reminds me of the story about the bloke he said his d*ck was longer than the cats tail. Challenged to measure both, he did it in private. Came back and said yes it was longer. Where did you measure from. He was asked. From the ass*hole, same as the cat.

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The worst zoo I ever visited had just one animal: a dog.

 

 

It was a shih tzu.

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A bloke I knew who couldn't see hear smell feel or taste punched me in the face.

 

I reckon that there was no need for senseless violence.

Edited by Phil Perry
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A woman named Sophia arrives home from work and her husband Tony notices she's wearing a diamond necklace. Tony asks Sophia, "Where did you get that necklace?" She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work.”

She asked, “Please get my bath ready babe, while I start our amazing dinner."

The next day, Sophia arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet. And Tony asks, "Where did you get the bracelet?" She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work”.

She asked, “Please get my bath ready love, while I start the best dinner you have ever had."

The next day, her husband Tony notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat. He says, "I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?" Sophia replies, "Yeah I did! How did you guess?

Sophia asked, “Please get my bath ready darling, while I start your favourite dinner."

Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one inch of water in the bathtub.

She yells to her husband Tony, "HEY HONEY! There's only an inch of water in the bathtub."

Tony replies, "I didn't want you to get your raffle ticket wet."

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Not sure if this has already been told...

 

Two women were discussing their husbands.

 

"How's Tom's work at the smallgoods factory going?"  said one to the other.

 

"He got fired."

 

"Oh no!  Why?" asked the first.

 

"He went and stuck his dick in the pickle slicer!"  replied the man's wife, angrily.

 

The first woman was shocked.   After thinking about it for a minute, and imagining the scene, she asked morbidly

"So... what did they do with the pickle slicer...?"

 

There was a short pause while the second woman got her emotions under control.

 

"They fired that bitch too!"

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An elderly lady was caught stealing a tin of peaches. When in front of the judge he asked “why did you do this Madam?”
Lady “because I was hungry”
Judge “ how many peaches were in the tin?
Lady “6 your honour”
Judge “ I sentence you 6 days jail - a day for each peach”

Her husband stands up and says “can I say a few words your honour?”
Judge “certainly sir”
Husband “she stole a large can of peas too!”

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Ralph, age 80, always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots so he bought a pair and wore them home.  Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 

"Notice anything different about me?"

 


Ethel, age 75, looked him over.  "Nope."

 


Frustrated, Ralph stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
He asked Ethel a little louder this time, 

"Notice anything different NOW?"

 


Ethel looked up and said with her best deadpan look, "Ralph, what's different?  It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

 


Furious, Ralph yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, ETHEL?"
"Nope.  Not a clue, Ralph," she replied.

 


"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!"

 


Without missing a beat Ethel replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Ralph.  Shoulda bought a hat."

 

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A little something to lighten our day during these dark times.

Paraprosdokians

 

First time I heard about paraprosdokians, I liked them. Paraprosdokians are
figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is
surprising or unexpected and is frequently humorous.

 

(Sir Winston Churchill loved them).

 

1.Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2.The last thing I want to do is hurt you ...but it's still on my list.
3.Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4.If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5.We never really grow up -- we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.
7.Knowledge, is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8.To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
9.I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
10.In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of an emergency, notify..." I answered "a doctor."
11.Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
12.You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
13.I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
14.To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
15.Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
16.You're never too old to learn something stupid.
17.I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find someone older than me.

 

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Often the basis of Goon humour:

We can't stand around here doing nothing. People will think we're workmen!

Through the pigeonhole flew a carrier pigeon. There was something attached to its leg. It was a postman.

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4 hours ago, Phil Perry said:

A little something to lighten our day during these dark times.

Paraprosdokians

 

Excellent, Phil. Now what this site needs is one of those robot voices that show you how to pronounce the word.

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"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz SL500."  Frank Sinatra

 
 

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"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."  George Burns

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"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."    Robin Williams

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"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." Robert De Niro
 

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